I Feel Your Pain

I don't think I have ever experienced pain. What? You may think I am crazy but ....compared to what I am feeling right now... is what I mean.  I have been in labor...have had a bunch of different kinds of surgeries.... but this lung thing that I have going on is the worst pain I have ever had in my entire life. I feel like my ribs have all been broken and my chest has been sat on and my lungs have a knife in them. I am a little more than a little bit irritable right now.....it is hard to be nice when you are hurting! It is hard to even want to be around anyone when you are hurting! I was thinking on this.... When Jesus was on the cross and suffering in agony...he had people all around gawking at him and mocking him and spitting on him! He endured all of that agony for me. Then for him to be able to have a forgiving  attitude in the midst of his extreme pain and anguish ....only the son of God could do such a thing. I feel like punching someone out or kicking someone or something when I have that much pain.... and I can pop a few pain pills and go lay down and shut myself up in a room away from everyone if I want. I am glad that I have a God that knows the pain that I am going through and relates. He understands how I feel and cares. Sometimes that is all we need... someone to understand what we are going through, how we really feel , and just to know that someone cares. I know that He went through way worse suffering for me and He obviously cares about me or He wouldn't have done that! Maybe you think no one understands the pain You are going through and no one cares. You are wrong. Jesus does feel your pain and He does care.

 I Peter 5 :7 " Casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you."

Haters And Manipulators

Haters and manipulators!....We all have had them in our lives at one time or another. People who just can't seem to stand for you to get ahead of them in any way... or maybe just are purely jealous of your abilities so have to cut you down to everyone else? Then there are the manipulators.... I have had some of these in my life...and could truly do without them! These are the ones who you think at first are going to become great friends with you, and even, seem to have so much in common with you. They are so generous and offer everything under the sun for you to borrow or use,  but then when you do take them up on their offers they try to control and dictate to you how things will be! You would rather had not taken them up on their offer in the first place! I am not sure if you call it a sixth sense or what...but I have always had a knack at seeing through people. It usually does not take me very long to figure out whether someone is for real or not. I can tell if they are smiling at me and hating me in their heart. Sometimes, I wish I couldn't do that... but I can. I have found myself even thinking when certain people are around me...."you don't fool me...with your smiles and laughter." So...how are we supposed to handle these haters and manipulators? Love them anyway.... and let them be...don't let their hatred toward you even bother you for a second. I remember the advice a dear lady years ago gave me..."be thankful dear, for all of your faithful friends and don't you boggle your mind with those who hate you"....and at times when I begin to be overwhelmed by all of the drama  once again and worry about the haters and manipulators... I think on Cora May's words. Now she was a dear true friend! I have come to realize that it is so much better to only have a handful of true faithful friends than to have many, but not be able to confide in any. I have to say that there have been many people come in and out of my life in fifty-one years but there have only been a small handful that have remained as my true close friends and I am so thankful for each of them. 

Something About Holding Hands

I sometimes forget that God is actually right here with me. He is though. I can't see Him but His presence is real. A friend of mine asked me if I was going to be at the hospital all alone last weekend and at first I thought yeah I guess I am.....but then I realized that my "best friend" was going to be there with me the whole time. I started a prayer chain before I ever went to surgery... I am so amazed at the response that I got from it! People from all over  were praying for me while I was there in that operating room having my ribs spread open and  a pretty large portion of my lung removed. I honestly believe there were angels gathered all around that room that day and by my hospital bed the entire weekend. As I drifted in and out of sleep from the anesthetics and sedatives I felt God's presence with me. It was as if  God sent an angel to just sit by my bed and hold my hand. Yesterday I thought on this again as a friend sat at my kitchen table and held my hand, and we shared, prayed, and cried. I again felt God's presence with me and knew that He had put this friend in my kitchen at this time in my life  for a very special reason.  It is so amazing how and when He works things out. We can be assured... He always does and it is always good! Sometimes all I need to do is reach out my hand and let Him grab it...there is just something about holding hands!

Isaiah 42:6 " I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand...."

A Strong Old Tree

This old tree always has caught my attention as I walk back to the creek. It is so huge. It has stood the test of time and withstood many storms and treacherous winters in the northwoods. As I lay in the hospital this week  after another agonizing surgery, I thought on this a bit. I feel like this old tree. I have seen many hard times in my life and been through many physical ailments each time seemingly worse than the previous. I feel sometimes like I have weathered enough storms already. I am done..... so ready for the storms to end and the sun to shine... I am ready to just give up already and let the storms knock me to the ground. Then I think on this tree and see how strong the trunk of it is and as I walk up close I see the roots are so thick and spread out so far and deep. This old tree isn't going anywhere anytime soon. It is grounded and standing firm. It is stronger than any storm that has rumbled through the woods. Then I wonder about myself... how strong am I? Will I make it through this storm? Is this the one that will knock me down? I have nothing left in myself to fight with anymore... I am so tired of fighting. It would just be easier to let the storm strike me and knock me over for good. What purpose is there in standing anymore? There is a purpose ...there is a reason I was born in the first place.  I am like this old tree. But I think I forgot that my roots need to get a drink to be refreshed and renewed and in order for these old branches not to dry up and fall off and break in two. The rain has to fall!  So... I say to this new storm....bring on the rain.... it will strengthen me, revive my branches, and give me new vitality!

Psalm 1: " But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law doth he meditate day and night. But he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of waters that bringeth forth its fruit in its season, its leaf also shall not wither and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper."

Picking Posies

I'd rather be picking posies any day out in the field with the sun beaming down on my back.....sometimes we get too busy with life to even think about doing something as simple as this. Our lives are filled with so much running around and then before you know it, life has gone by. I remember how special it was as a little girl picking  a pocket full of posies in a field that was just covered with flowers! Bumblebees buzzing all around and the scent of all of the different flowers gently sifting through the air. There was something so very calming and peaceful about that. I was wondering if sometimes God doesn't just do us a favor when we are sick and have to lie around for awhile? Maybe I am looking at this sickness thing in the whole wrong manner, maybe it isn't such a bad thing after all.....maybe He just wants me to have a little break, close my eyes for just a little while and pick a pocket full of posies!

Colossians 3:15 "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts to the which ye are also called in one body and be ye thankful."

Handle With Prayer

Life is pretty tricky and sticky... you really need to handle it with prayer not care! Prayer is just talking to God. Of course if  you don't believe that you were made by God then I guess you probably have a hard time thinking on this. God does really hear me when I talk to Him... and yes I do tell Him everything that I am concerned with. Maybe you think I'm nuts! I have realized that there are some people who probably wonder how God could possibly hear my prayers since I am just a big hypocrite. Well.. I admit ... I have a lot of flaws and a lot of things that I am still working on... but there is one thing that I know for sure ... I cannot make it each day without talking to God and I know He hears me and answers my prayers. I cannot share with you since they are personal and some are about other people close to me.... but God has answered so many of my prayers that I have cried out to Him that no one else knew about. It had to be Him! I am having surgery on Friday and I already am praying about it. Just so you can understand what I am praying for I will share with you... I am praying that the surgeon will have a good night's rest and presence of mind, I am praying that God will calm my anxieties, for courage to face whatever this happens to turn out to be, I am praying for strength to be cheerful to the hospital staff in spite of my pain.....etc.....but I am not asking God to instantly heal me or to take this away from me or to make everything alright. I do not want you to think I do not believe in the fact that He can heal.... I know He can... but I have learned to NOT tell God what to do! He may have a purpose that I do not see or even understand. I need to trust that He knows and wants whatever is best for me and for my family. I hope you will pray with me too... that I will have peace in all of this.

And The Green Grass Grew All Around!

Yesterday was a gorgeous day here and I was not about to waste it sitting in the house even though I really did not feel well. I figured I am going to be cooped up in the hospital for a few days and then who knows how long in the house after that...so out I went. I grabbed my cane and the husband with his cane and off we trucked into our backyard wilderness....both of us huffing and puffing for breath.. God knows if either of us had a problem way back there in the woods...no one would probably find us until next hunting season...but whatever, we just needed to get out of the house! I was amazed at how green everything was and how grown up it was once again. The ticks of course were out in full force which we later found out as we picked many off  throughout the evening! There is something calming about walking in the woods. If you are quiet you will hear all sorts of wild creatures and maybe even see some. Up in front of me a ways there was a rustling of the bushes and then a quick shadow of something......maybe a deer... a bear... who knows? Then we came upon a quail....a chipmunk that sat upon a large rock and did not move a speck as we watched him. If I knew my different kinds of birds, which I do not, then I would be able to tell you about all of the different sounds they make on a quiet day in the depth of our woods. I love to be outside in the summer...especially in the woods and near water. We are fortunate to have both. The water is a bit low in the creek right now. I didn't see any fish...but I sure did see a lot of GREEN and to me that is a great sight after the long long winter that we have had. I can't believe there are already people complaining about the heat! I am so thankful for the green green green and the warmth of the sunshine on my face! I couldn't help but giggle to myself and think of the song I used to sing in the back of the old yellow schoolbus with the rounded back..."and the green grass grew all around and around and the green grass grew all around!"

Psalm 23:2 "He makes me lie down in GREEN pastures, He leads me beside QUIET waters, He restores my soul."

Free Kittens!!

Free Kittens! A sign that you might see as you drive down one of our back roads on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Kittens are always plentiful in the country! In our house we have three of them and although they are all very lovable and sweet, they do annoy the mess out of me to the point of wanting to just give them away! I think they must know that I do not feel well lately, for it seems that they are all becoming way too clingy! As soon as I lay down on the couch to rest I have one on my chest...just what I need...cat hair in my already struggling lungs!  So I gently brush this cat away with the sweep of my arm and no sooner have done that then another one is up on the back of the couch peering down at me and swiping at me with her paw! I just want to take a nap guys!  Please ...just leave me alone. I soon fall asleep. When I awaken...I now have three cats all on me!! One is on my chest purring as loudly as she can, one is on my feet doing the same and the third is on top of the back of the couch! It is as if they were watching over me while I napped; how strange. I realize they are just trying to show their love and comfort. It makes me think of angels. They are unseen...yet I believe God uses angels to help watch over us. I believe that at times they hover over us  and protect us. I can't help but think that just as these cats hover over me as I nap....there are angels among us that literally are hovering around us and protecting us at just the right place and time. I look up at the sign above the window.....Angels Gather Here....I feel safe. I know I am protected and comforted. I think these cats should probably stick around...I guess...I can put up with them since they have taught me yet another lesson in trusting in God's protection and comfort that He always provides.

Psalm 91:11 "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;"

I'll Get You My Pretty!

The Wizard Of Oz has always been one of my favorite movies. I think just so I could watch the wicked witch and hear her say, "I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!" Riding her bicycle as the neighbor lady that hated Dorothy's little dog, she becomes the wicked witch in Dorothy's dream! I became the wicked witch on a few different Halloweens when my kids were growing up. I made my face green and I think I made a pretty good replica of the original wicked witch! I even pointed my bony finger at the kids and said I would get them...and send the flying monkeys their way! Dorothy stands up to this wicked old witch and is not intimidated. So many things come at us all at one time sometimes and it may seem like the wicked old witch has  been after us again and released her nasty little flying monkeys! The thing is ..... in reality that is what happens at times. Only it isn't a fictitious witch releasing the monkeys .... it is Satan and all of his demons.  Our God is greater...our God is bigger, our God is stronger... than any thing that Satan can throw against us. I am at times afraid and wonder how in the world things are going to work out and how I am going to escape yet another onslaught of troubles.....but I have someone fighting for me that knows the end from the beginning and sees the whole story. He knows all about the flying monkeys and the wicked witches in my life and will see to it they are taken care of! So to my wicked witch in my life...I say...."I'm not afraid of you."
2 Kings 6:16 "...Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

Busy BEE

It is time for the bees to get busy making honey! I was sitting outside yesterday just minding my own business and I couldn't help but notice the buzzing of some very busy bees nearby.  I don't think those bees were honey bees but probably wasps but nonetheless it got me to thinking about how bees start working on their hives and are constantly busy.  I don't know why I associate bees with gossipers but maybe because of the constant humming or the constant noise in my ears?  I have never been one to be on the phone all day long . When my kids were little, I had no time for it.... I had too many kids running around all at one time to be on the phone gossipping about someone else! I had enough going on in my own life! Even now that my life has slowed down to a halt...one of the biggest complaints of my friends is that I do not call them....but I guess I have made it such a habit to not be on the phone all day long that I just don't. Perhaps I could call just a little... but I don't like to fall into that habit of chatting away my day about someone Else's terrible downfalls. I think it stinks. I have been at the other end of peoples rumours and gossip and it is very destructive, unkind, and rude to say the least! I don't want to be that kind of a busy body! I think it is  pretty funny that Christians find all the scriptures on the worst sins that they can point out in other's lives  and get on the phone and gossip about all the ones who have fallen. Yet they miss all the verses about  stirring up strife, talebearers, etc. How convenient! Anyway....here is one:                                                                                                                                                                                                   Thessalonians 4:11 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life and to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and to work with your hands, just as we told you." 

The Yellow Dress

Joyce Findlay Gallery

She had the most beautiful yellow dress any little girl of six could have. She had never worn it...she was to save it to wear for something special. She was going to wear it with her little white bobby socks that had embroidered yellow flowers on the outside of the top. Her black shiny leather shoes were a bit too big for her but she would stuff those with toilet paper in the toes to make them fit. There it hung on the outside of the closet all ready to be worn . The occasion to wear it had finally come! She was going to the zoo with another family on a Sunday afternoon. She was so excited she could hardly get to sleep. She kept peeking at her yellow dress that she so loved and could hardly wait to wear! Her weary tired head finally leaned back into the pillow and drifted off into dreams of giraffes and elephants and kangaroos that she would see at the zoo! Sun came pouring into her room and she was up and ready to get dressed and get going! Then, the call came.... there would be no need for the yellow dress today. The trip to the zoo was no longer happening.
It would have to be some other day... some other Sunday... She ran to her bedroom and cried and cried. She was not so sad about the zoo as she was about the yellow dress. She wanted so badly to wear that yellow dress and ONLY to the zoo. She would hold out and not wear it until she could go to the zoo! She waited and waited....Sunday after Sunday went by and each time she thought it would be the one that she would get to go to the zoo and wear her dress! That day never came..... that little girl was deeply disappointed and learned an important lesson at the age of six. People don't always do what they say they will do. "God keeps His promises"....she remembered her Sunday School teacher say. He is the only one who does that perfectly!

Isaiah 49:23 " Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed."

Picture Of Strength

I guess I must have had a decent night's sleep since I actually dreamed for a change. I can't recall the entire thing but I do know one thing... there was a huge horse in it! This morning while drinking my coffee I was remembering that last night before I went to bed I had been talking to one of my daughters on the phone. This daughter happens to love horses and mentioned something about a horse in our conversation . How in the world that ended up in my dream is beyond me! There are a gazillion other things on my mind right now so I thought that was pretty funny. Anyway this morning while doing my normal morning Bible reading...I was looking something up in the Old Testament and really wasn't interested in the book of Habakkuk...I have to confess, but this verse popped out at me. "YOU TRAMPLED THE SEA WITH YOUR HORSES, CHURNING THE  GREAT WATERS."  I sat here for a second and closed my eyes and tried to picture God sitting upon the most majestic looking horse, riding above the sea as if it were just a chintzy little river. It was no accident that I opened to this passage this morning...as I glanced down further I realized what this was saying.  It is pointing out how majestic, powerful,able our God is. No matter what I am going through I can count on Him to be my strength. He IS the picture of strength!
Habakkuk 3:18-19 " ...yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on to the heights."

By My Side

" He giveth power to the faint and to them which have no might he increaseth strength."~Isaiah 40:29

 When sometimes I feel like I just have no strength left...I remember that after all it isn't about my own ability anyway...I am not able to handle anything on my own. It is only when I realize this and realize how very weak I really am, that God really does reach into my life and show me how strong He is. I can face whatever ...with Him by my side because He will fight for me. He will enable me to do whatever it is I need to do and give me the wisdom I need to do it. I am thankful this morning as the sun is rising that even though I have no clue what this day may bring, I have a peace and a confidence in knowing that He will be by my side throughout the whole entire day.

 "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."~Hebrews 13:5

The Best Berry!

It was the summer of sixty-nine. I would have only been about nine years old and we had just moved into an older farmhouse in Connecticut that was surrounded by barns and strawberry fields. Corn fields were across from us on the other side of the road. It was a house that we rented from a landlord that was a farmer. I remember him as a kind, older man...always rather jolly and joking around. He had strawberry fields behind the house and barns. He sold his strawberries on the side of the road and I believe also, to the local stores. He needed people to help pick those berries for him so my sister and I had an instant ready- made summer job! We got paid ten cents per basket that we picked. We picked from early morning til the sun went down... but I have to say I loved it and I wish I could do that today! His strawberries were the best berries I have ever tasted anywhere! To this day... I have not had one that even comes close to the taste I still remember! It was always well worth the hard, tedious labor in that hot humid sun....for at the end of each long day, we would get to tally up how many baskets we had each picked for the day and he would dole out the cash. I remember that feeling of accomplishment and how proud I was that I had earned my own money! I had a secret place where I hid mine and would save it up for school clothes and other extra things that I needed or wanted. Some of it would come in handy when we took our usual trip up to Maine for the later part of summer after strawberry season was over. That strawberry field looked so beautiful from the bathroom window of the farmhouse. I could look out and see the many rows of green vibrant bushes  with the narrow bit of brown in the middle of each row.The scent as you would go outside would be wonderful. The scent of fresh strawberries! They were usually ready in Connecticut around the end of June sometimes a little earlier; So just as school was ending....perfect time for a summer job. I remember his berries were very big berries for some reason. Maybe he had some secret, who knows?  I recall holding one of these huge red berries up, and showing it off to him and exclaiming how big it was! He told me to "Just eat that one" it was too good to put into the basket! And how sweet it was too! I remember him for not being a stingy old man...he was kindhearted and let us enjoy the fruit of our labor! That made an impression on me, that simple little act of kindness... of letting me eat the best berry of the bunch.
Psalm 128:2 "For thou shalt eat the labour of thy hands: happy shalt thou be and it will be well with thee."

Doom And Gloom!

Hope is a good thing...something to hold onto. A glimmer of good in the midst of something bad. Poor Eeyore always seems down in the dumps! But thanks to his faithful friends who always come alongside to cheer him up and get him back on track...he finds cheer in the gloom! I was pondering this the other day.... have you ever had a conversation with someone and the entire conversation just seemed like "doom and gloom"? You could hear it in their voice.... in their tone...just no cheer and no hope.  I am thankful that I have hope that doesn't depend on my circumstances. Sometimes my circumstance do look like "doom and gloom" however, I don't have to let my circumstances dictate to me how I will feel. I can still have some cheer in the midst of my "gloom". There is always someone, somewhere who is way worse off than I am, and it makes me feel downright ashamed of myself for even complaining when I think on that. God is good to me and does give me the hope and strength I need when I need it. Everyone gets down sometimes and that is why friends can be important. A good friend will love you no matter what and is sensitive to your varying moods. No matter how bad your gloom may seem there is always hope. We all only have one day at a time to live and I figure why live this day being down in the dumps and focusing on the "doom and gloom" in my life? There is always something to be thankful for and always an upside to everything if you look for it.
Psalm 42:11 "Why art thou cast down O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him who is the health of my countenance, and my God."

Peek A Boo

I came around the corner of the old worn out shed yesterday morning with the dog pulling on the leash in one hand and my cane in the other trying to steady myself and dig into the ground so as not to  fall and break a foot like last year! The dog went crazy and started pulling to get around that shed for some reason.  I had to book it to keep up with her, and being early I was not a happy camper about it! As I looked up, there in the hole in the shed..... a momma raccoon was  trying to hoist up her baby raccoon up over the side of the shed. I didn't have my camera with me right then.... I sure wished I did. It was the cutest sight seeing that little baby just wiggling over the side squealing and the momma reaching down from the hole grasping baby tightly. I stood as quietly as I could with the dog in tow....and watched as she pulled that little baby to safety! I proceeded to put my dog into her pen out in the field and then went back to the  house for my camera in hopes that I could catch a glimpse of my new found friends. I stood there in front of the old shed quietly for a few minutes and saw nothing....but then after a little bit out popped this face! Peek A Boo.... I see you! I wonder how many babies are up there? I have a feeling that is where all of Honey's leftover doggie food has been disappearing to .....her dish is always empty in the morning, even if she left some from the day before! That's OK... I really don't mind...I love seeing the different little animals that come around here looking for food. Now I know someone is watching me.....funny I had that feeling the other day when I was out there in the field walking around. My little raccoon friends were spying on me without me noticing! I get a little laugh out of that....thinking of them watching me as I walk the dog around the field. Sometimes I think I forget that God watches me....little old me! He sees all,,,knows all and will make all things right. He  knows everything that happens to me ....even when it feels like I am all alone in it...He sees exactly what is happening and can actually do something about it....My little raccoon friends are peeking at me...just to be curious but even something so simple as this reminds me that God is always watching me.
                                                                                                                                                                                  "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers."~ 1Peter 3:12                   

Unusual Commitment

An unusual commitment is what we have....our marriage. Today marks our eight year anniversary. All together I have been married for twenty-seven years! You say....what? Yep...hate to admit my big faults but I have made many mistakes! So Rocky is husband number three! Our marriage came about as a result of an affair that should not have happened however God has forgiven us and we have to live past our failures and mistakes. We have definitely had our share of consequences due to it I am sure! Our entire marriage of eight years in a nutshell goes something like this....Rocky had a severe traumatic brain injury and was in intensive care for awhile, this was in 2003. He slowly recovered but had some lasting problems but was able to go back to doing some construction repair work. In 2005, he fell from a metal roof and had a second brain injury which was more severe. This time landed him in a hospital for three months. Since then he has had pneumonia several times, gallbladder surgery, stomach tumor, colon cancer, and is currently on about thirteen prescriptions. So you can see our marriage is not really normal as most would see it. I have many of my own problems to deal with as well. In between all of this we separated for about a year due to something else that came out that totally shocked me to death and I needed time away in order to heal and forgive. We do have a strange marriage.....not always what you would call "happily married" however the grace of God has been there for the both of us. Although we bicker and get at each other we do have a commitment to each other that goes deeper than most. I say if this marriage can survive, any can! It isn't always about being happy...it is about commitment, forgiveness, grace,and mercy. I have had  to do a lot of forgiving in my lifetime. It isn't always easy.  Anger is a big issue and until you deal with that...well it is difficult to forgive. I have had to show grace to someone who has betrayed me on the deepest level. It is hard! Only through praying each day can I make it. God helps me stay committed when I don't want to. So today I am "airing my dirty laundry" so to speak; I hope for the purpose of helping someone else. If you are in an affair....end it. It will bring some heavy consequences. If you are married, but unhappy,...well remember your vows and try to think of what attracted you in the first place to that person. Divorce is no answer....I should know...been there done that.  Anyway... an unusual commitment is what I have...in spite of all of my complaining sometimes and my frustrations with the way things are. I still have survived eight years of marriage and that is something to celebrate.

Fix It Or Get Rid Of It!

I absolutely hate when things do not get finished....like a half mowed lawn...a half fixed house... a half painted wall...whatever it may be.  Looking at things that are broken down is something else that is a pain....this week  all at one time I realized a coffee pot broke, light fixture wouldn't work, washer and dryer broke down...then to top it off...the belt on my lawn mower snapped yesterday so that is now sitting. There are too many projects unfinished and way too many things broken down! I say if it's broken let's either fix it or get rid of it like NOW! I hate looking at broken down things. I have many projects that I am working on.... I need to know that I am making progress and am going to finish! I hate to procrastinate. I think I need to do a checkup and see what needs to get fixed and what needs to get pitched! There are plenty of things in my house in this category but there are probably a lot more things in my life as well....so I say....let the housecleaning begin. Fix  it or get rid of it!